How To Deal With Your Friends Grief

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you but I didn’t know what to say”.

I’ve lost count of how many people said that to me. Like I was supposed to know what was ok to say. Like I, in the midst of having to deal with something absolutely awful, was considering their feelings. I didn’t know what to say! Let alone have the words for you to say as well. Sometimes there are no words. The words don’t even matter. It’s the showing up. The just being there. Even if it’s just for 5 minutes. As a friend, don’t feel like you are intruding. Granted there might be specific times when you are. But in the long drawn out days following someone’s death, there is often just a lot of sitting around, doing nothing and waiting. A friendly face is exactly what is needed.

Likewise, funerals. I know this can be tricky for some people. Nobody actually likes going to a funeral, especially if it’s someone you don’t really know. But this isn’t about you. It’s about your poor friend who is going through an awful time and burying their parent/partner/sibling or god forbid, child. Show up! Pay your respects and let your friend know that you are around and available if they need anything doing. It might be the smallest of things like checking on catering or ensuring there’s enough tea and coffee afterwards. But it’s those tiny details that your friend hasn’t got the mental capacity to be dealing with right now. And don’t be vague in your offer of help. Use terms such as what do you need me to do or shall I look after such and such a thing for you.

 

When I lost a parent I suddenly found myself being chief tea maker. Constantly putting the kettle on. Drinking half a cup of tea because I was sick to death of the damn stuff. Whenever someone came around, off I went to the kitchen to make more tea. I was like Mrs Doyle with her tea trolley. Only minus the tea trolley. More tea! More damn tea! After about day 5 I remember thinking how much I wished someone would just make me a cup of tea and let me sit down for long enough to actually drink it and enjoy it. Perhaps bring a bit of cake to go with it.

So if you’ve paid attention and made the effort to show up, don’t then expect to be waited on. Go to the kitchen and you make the tea. Don’t feel like it’s not your place to do it. It is your place. You’re the supportive friend. And bring cake.

There’s no gold medal for having the best death story here. And besides, at a guess, my story will beat yours by a mile.

 

“You must eat. Keep your strength up. Make sure you get a proper meal inside you.”

How about instead of telling me I need to eat and all the rest of the crap you might revolve around food, you just bring me some food? Like how much easier would that make my day? And if you aren’t a very good cook or don’t know what to make me or fear giving me food poisoning, then send me a takeaway. Honestly, this isn’t me food begging. Making dinner every single night to ensure others ate became bloody hard work. Every single night thinking about what to cook, what others will eat. Running the gauntlet of going to the shops (which is shit by the way in a little village where everybody knows what’s happened to you).

If you are popping round during the day, then bring lunch. Bring cake. Or breakfast first thing in the morning. You get my drift here. Just bring food instead of flowers.

Death brings visitors. And visitors bring mess. I would not be offended if you offered to run the hoover over the carpet or give the bathroom a quick clean so I’m not embarrassed when the death visitors arrive.

Or just the little things like load the dishwasher. Ask if they’ve any washing or ironing needs doing. Funeral clothes need a wash don’t they. Death stops us in our tracks but it doesn’t stop the dust from gathering or the grass from growing. Again, be specific in your offers of help. Insist don’t offer. Or if the friend is close enough, just do it anyway.

And following on from the doing something nice. Taking your friend out of their death situation will probably make them more relaxed and able to talk. They will probably talk more freely to you than other family members. They may have concerns or worries about the future that they just need to air. Or have feelings about the death that they need to share but not necessarily with their family.

Again this is a personal experience. Like I said mine was a news story and one that the local rag of a newspaper carried too soon. That story was shared on social media by people I knew, speculating about who it was and the circumstances. Comments were made by people I didn’t know, and not all nice. I saw these social media posts whilst I was sat on a train on my way home from work, unaware what/who was waiting for me when I did get home. Those comments are etched on my memory forever more. I can never unsee them.

Spare a thought for what you share online. The next time you are about to hit share on a story that involves something horrific and you don’t know the identity of that person, think how you would feel if it was your loved one? If it’s a local story then think about how you may well know that person or someone you know might. Is it really that important that you share this story on social media when chances are everyone you know will have seen it anyway?

Similarly, don’t post about your friends loss online unless you know for 100% fact they are ok with it. Some people really don’t want things out there for public consumption until they have digested events themselves. So no public posts on Facebook to them. Private message only.

 

Don’t harp on about getting back to normal. There is no normal anymore. Your friends normal will change now. They’d normally have a parent in their lives and now they don’t. This whole getting back to normal thing I found very irritating. Everyone has their own timeframe for being able to function properly again. Rushing things won’t help. Be supportive in letting them set their own pace and take their time.

But don’t vanish once the funeral is over. Often this is when the healing process can start. But if they have an inquest or other investigations or a complicated will to deal with, it can take a long time before a person is ready to start to heal. Things like birthdays and Christmas can be hard. Spare them a thought. Still be the amazing friend that brought them dinner or took them out for a nice walk. Just be the very best friend you possibly can be and someday your friend will be eternally grateful for what you did. Trust me.

 

If you think your friend may need a little bit more help than you with tea and cake, my lovely friend Jeff wrote a book on grief called The Grief Survival Guide. He knows what he’s talking about and this book will be an amazing resource for your friend to help them through.

 

** Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I may receive an affiliate commission. You know how it is, a girls gotta eat.