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The Friend Zone Is A Bad Place To Be Put
The Friend Zone Is A Bad Place To Be Put
When navigating the awful world of dating, especially when you are over 40, one of the things that undoubtedly happens to many is being put in the dreaded friend zone. A bad place to be put. And very, very often, this is not a mutual friend zone. It’s an odd little space that can be used to disguise many a dating sin. It’s also a very unfriendly place. Quite mean and rather immature to use it as a cover-up for ‘I’m really not that into you’. Or worse still, benching!
Not All Friend Zones Are Created Equally
Now it’s one thing to have one date with someone, realise there’s no chemistry or that a relationship could never possibly work, but think the person is still a nice person, and tell them that. Whilst adding that you’d quite like to remain friends. Or perhaps someone you regard as a friend makes romantic advances. So you tell them straight up that it’s a no and you don’t want to ruin your friendship.
But, if you have been on several dates with someone, perhaps gone as far as exchanging bodily fluids, seeing each other naked and made day to day contact, ok so you’ve been in a relationship, then dropping the friend zone on someone is damn right cruel. And if you tell someone that you’d like to remain friends and then make absolutely no effort at all to be that person’s friend, they’ll eventually figure out that it was just an excuse. You are in fact a useless human that isn’t mature enough to have a grown-up, honest conversation, and you’d just rather hurt their feelings. And lie to them. The worst kind.
The Worst Kind Of Friend Zone
Let me tell you about a dating term called benching. Think of it a bit like a sporting analogy. ‘Players’ are kept on the bench for when they are needed. For when the manager wants to try a different tactic or another ‘player’ needs replacing for whatever reason. Perhaps the manager is getting fed up with them. Whatever. This is basically what benching is in dating terms. You are put in the friend zone, on the bench, but the other person still calls you up, messages, flirts, goes on dates, sleeps with you!!!!! Oh boy! This one needs a wake-up call.
This isn’t the friend zone. It’s no man’s land filled with self-doubt and uncertainty. And it really isn’t a nice place to be. It’s holding you back and stopping you from meeting someone that genuinely wants to spend time with you. And isn’t just using you as a stop-gap or a bed warmer. Or a fluffer for that matter. You may just be a friends with benefits.
Putting someone in the friend zone that you actually get along with and enjoy spending time with is basically being blind to the idea that someone who is your friend could also be your lover. How many people say they’ve married their best friend?
Forever Friends
Why would you put someone in the friend zone, if you did genuinely think they are nice enough to be your friend? If it’s sexual chemistry, then perhaps consider that you aren’t having sex about 99% of the time. And that increases the older you get. What is actually important to you in a relationship? Mind-blowing sex about once a month or spending your time with a person who genuinely loves and cares for you and supports you in all that you do? If you actually considered the sex option there then you may want to think about just paying for it and cutting out the dating and relationship process.
Are you friend zoning because of a stupid little thing because you think your partner should match 100% to the probably unrealistic expectations you have? Someone once friend-zoned me because I didn’t get drunk. Ridiculous. I think that said more about their unaddressed drinking problem that my sober status shone a light on. Your friend zone reasons may tell you more about yourself than you realise.
Is it an area in your life you need to focus on or question how important the so-called issue really is? Was me not drinking a deal-breaker? Probably not. Was his own drink issue starring him in the face whenever I didn’t drink, and he’d rather not deal with that? Most likely. In which case having a partner that could have helped to address and deal with those issues would have been far better for him. Rather than looking for someone to get drunk with every night. Was I having a partner who was more concerned about getting drunk than our relationship, a good idea? Absolutely not!
He turned out to be a rubbish friend. Shocking!
The Worst Excuse kind of friend zone
I remember watching Love Island back last summer and Hugo, my goodness, he had the biggest friend zone in the world. But he said to one girl, after getting a little bit close to her, that he saw her as more of a little sister!!!! What the actual f…….!!!!!
Listen, lads, if you only ever take this one bit of advice from me, let it be this. Do not ever, ever, compare any female you have so much as eyed up, to your sister. If you behaved in that way towards your sister, then it’s all levels of wrong and you are indeed a complete wrong un. It conjures up thoughts of incest and all manner of weird stuff. And it’s really insulting to your actual sister. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to have the thought of you looking at her like that cross her mind. It’s just wrong, very, very wrong. Don’t ever let that thought or those words be in your conversation.
Changing Your Mind
It’s perfectly ok to change your mind about anything. If the friend zone thing you thought would be a good idea turns out to be booty call 2am hell, then it’s ok to break off that friendship. It’s also ok to tell the other person that it’s all or nothing. And by nothing you mean not even Facebook friends. Always remember that a relationship is a two-way street, and the traffic should never all be one way. Stand your ground. If the other person has realised that dating a really good friend and letting the romance happen is a lot better than 4 gins a night Nelly, then if you’re ok with that, give it a go.
Or perhaps being friends with someone sounds like a good idea because their sexual preferences really just don’t do it for you. That’s great. Just don’t be a booty call. But you can always say no and walk away. Block, delete etc if you feel the need to. The people we call friends should be exactly that and be the people we want in our lives. Not just a polite excuse to dump someone you don’t have the guts to have an honest conversation with.
If the friend zone isn’t for you, then stay well clear!
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