Last week I read the book ‘Girl Code’ by Cara Alwill Leyba who also blogs at The Champagne Diet. Basically, this book teaches us about celebrating other women and lifting each other up to success. If you want to be a world-dominating success, you have to bless and encourage the same for others. This isn’t a one-way street you know. It got me thinking about my own behaviour. Do I help and support other women enough? I kind of think I do. I know I’d like to think I do but I do also pour scorn on those that I think break the rules of the sisterhood. Is that a bad thing?
Why do so many women not support other women? And why are we so quick to judge each other rather than taking a step back and thinking about what our judgements say about us over who we are judging? Do we support boys over our girls?
Ladies, let me tell you, life is not a bed of roses for any woman. What you see on social media of some women’s perfect lives is total bullshit. It’s the illusion they want to project. Perfect family with the perfect husband? Girls, we should know by now that no man is perfect! They all have smelly feet, can’t pee into the damn toilet straight and have no idea if our bums really do look big in this. And if her man is so god damn perfect, then why’s he cheating on her with some two-bit slapper who’s forgotten that it’s chicks before dicks and that steadfast and number one rule of “Thou shall not covet they neighbours husband”.
Girls! We rule the world!
God, in his wisdom, gave us boobs and a vagina. He was a smart man. God knew what he was doing when he gave us these tools. Ultimately he was giving us all the power. We create the future humans, therefore, humanity is in our hands. That is why the boys make life so damn tough for us. It’s their jealousy and that’s why we need to stick together.
So stop breaking the rules girls!
Oh right, sorry, nobody actually ever wrote the rules down for you and made them absolutely clear. Ok, let me help you out there. Here’s a few to get you started;
1. Do not engage with the enemy. EVER!
When a boy does something, anything, that hurts your (female) friend, he is not your friend anymore. If he dumps her, he dumps you. When he’s rude to her, take it that he’s been rude to you. And if he disrespects her then he’s disrespected the entire sisterhood. He is off your Christmas card list. No pleasantries shall ever be exchanged. You may have once thought he was a nice guy. Yep, so did your friend that’s now crying into her Ben and Jerry’s when he won’t return her calls.
Now it’s totally acceptable that there may be occasions when you have to greet each other. Your paths may cross and it’s ok to be polite and say hello. Ask about the welfare of his mother. But that’s it. You don’t need to know about his lads holiday to Ayia Napa or his Christmas plans with his new girlfriend. Be polite but absolutely do not engage in conversation.
The same goes for social media. If you are friends/followers this can be a tough one. Do you unfriend? Maybe. But you can be a silent follower. What I mean is, you don’t have to delete so long as you’re not engaging. After all, your friend may need your stalking presence someday. But please, do not, I repeat do not like or comment, ever, ever on the boys’ posts. Ever. It shows you’ve paid attention. In some ways, it shows support. Remember how he made your friend feel? Keep reminding yourself of that before you hit that like button. But if the profile page is public, like a Twitter or Instagram and anyone can see it, then delete. Don’t follow that idiot!
2. Dating her is ex is an absolute no
I don’t care if she says they are still friends. No, they aren’t. He dumped her and made her feel like crap. She may well have moved on to an almighty upgrade now and have the hottest guy you ever did see and not give two hoots about her shit for brains ex. But he’s still her ex. Just don’t go there.
What if she gets married to the hottest guy in the whole wide world and invites you to the wedding? With a plus one. And you’re dating her ex. Hell no!!! I’m sorry but nobody wants their ex at their wedding. Well unless you’re Demi Moore but then look how that worked out. He still traded her in for a younger model. Anyway, that’s not the point. How do you think her husband to be is going to feel knowing that there’s another man in the room that’s had his ding a ling in her v-jay? Boys do not like that kind of stuff. Trust me, the husband will veto your invite if need be.
And whilst we are talking about his ding a ling. You know your friend has touched it right? You know, in his mind he’s going to compare how you touch it to how she did? And that’s not all he’s going to compare. Everything will be compared. Comparison insecurity overload alert! Just don’t go there. There’s way better fish out in the sea. Go fish in a different ocean to your friend.
3. Be the best wing woman in the whole wide world and never cock block
Do you have a single friend? You may well be happily married but she needs a wing woman. What if she’s suddenly found herself single and you’re the trusted, reliable friend she really needs to get out and about with? But you just want your pyjamas, Netflix and chill with your other half.
Or what if she’s been single for a while and not getting out much or not going to places she has at least a small chance of meeting other single people?
Girl, let me spell this out loud and clear. Your Netflix and chill can wait for one night. Your girl needs you and you need to step up. Make the effort and do not and I repeat do not cock block her at any point during your night out. What I mean by that is, yes you are happily married, but she isn’t. And you standing there waving your big sparkling rings in any man’s face that dares to approach are not going to help her. I’m not saying ditch your wedding bling. But please leave off the man repellent before you go out. You may well have to talk to some sad single loser vile idiot whilst your friend chats up his handsome friend.
But so long as you nicely say you are married and not looking but politely chat to the idiot friend, then that’s ok. That is what your friend really needs you to do for her right now.
I know you are glad, probably smug that your dating days are over, but please don’t turn into one of those smug married bitches that refuse to mingle with the singles. You never know when it might be your turn (again) and you need a wing woman.
4. She Doesn’t Want Your Husband
Whilst we are on the subject of mingling with the singles, this one I can talk about from personal experience.
Never abandon a friend due to their relationship status. Girls, you can be so bad for doing this. Just because your friend is suddenly single it doesn’t mean to say she’s going to set her next target radar on your husband. Chances are she really, really doesn’t want him. She’s glad you’re stuck with him so he doesn’t spoil another couple. So lay off the heavy defences of only mixing with the other smug marrieds. Being single isn’t a disease you can catch. Some people actually take it as a life choice and are quite happy taking on that sad, lonely relationship status.
Because someday you may be the one cast out in the cold and labelled not fit for friendship just because you don’t have a man, any man, to call your other half. Then you’ll need your single wing woman friend. Only she will probably have found herself a new bunch of friends that are totally ok with her single status.
5. Be Proud of Her Even If Your Life Sucks
Remember how I said at the beginning of this post about celebrating and lifting up other women? Well, we all go through shit in our lives. We all have periods of crap. We all have our own stuff going on. But you know that moment when your friend does well? Sing her praises! Celebrate her even minor success and be proud of her. Even if you’re having a shitty day make sure she knows you are proud of her and what she has achieved.
Now granted you may have the absolute day from hell (perspective on this please, I don’t mean just a bad day, I mean like death, destruction levels of bad days) then it’s ok to not be 100% girl power, but still, even a Facebook thumbs up is a start.
6. Never Covet Thy Friends Wish List
We all want different things in life. If we all wanted the same then it would be pretty boring. But wanting something just because someone else wants it is pretty damn lame. Get your own damn wish list!
If you’re in a particularly bitchy mood, and you know there’s a specific handbag/shoes/dress/boy your friend really wants, don’t go getting it just to play the big I am. That’s nasty.
Or similarly, when your friends get the lovely new Rockstuds or a beautiful Bayswater, DO NOT ask to borrow them before she’s even got them out the packaging. That’s just mean. She’ll quietly panic that you will ruin her prized purchase but still feel obliged to let you.
And if the really cute boy she fancies like mad offers you his number, DECLINE!!! She’s his type, not yours. Back off bitch!
Now on the flipside of that, when you see your friend getting the good stuff resist the dangers of envy. Use it to motivate yourself to better things. Perhaps her life once sucked and now she’s head to toe in bling and partying with the rich and famous all over the world. If she can have it then it’s obviously achievable so get working towards your own goals to get yourself some of that lifestyle.
7. Build Her Up Buttercup!
If she starts a new business, help her spread the word. Tell people you think may be interested about how fabulous she is. When she posts something to her business Facebook page, just give it a like at least. It won’t bloody kill you, but it’ll help her.
That boy she likes who happens to work with your husband or knows your brother. Make sure he knows how fabulous she is. Make it your purpose to make sure he knows what he could be missing out on.
The point here is that we don’t sing each other’s praises enough. Granted, we all have that bat shit crazy friend that we struggle to find something nice to tell anyone about when they constantly rant or go all passive aggressive on Facebook. But that’s just one person. I’m pretty sure you know a few more, absolutely totally sane people to say nice things about.
Or just give the crazy friend a compliment to make her feel a little less shit inside.
8. The Rules Of Disrespect Run Deep Within The Sisterhood!
I saw a conversation online not so long ago where a guy had acted in a really, really, quite disgustingly and disrespectful way towards a woman. I didn’t know either of them, I just happened upon a social media post of someone Facebooking rather than facing their problems. It was fact what this guy had done and he didn’t seem to deny it, he stopped short of apologising for his actions because he was attempting to play the victim to gain some support.
Anyway, what struck me was the other women within the conversation that totally slated the female involved without even knowing her. They pretty much ganged up and bullied her. It wasn’t pretty.
Listen, when a guy does something very disrespectful to a girl, granted there are levels of disrespect and sometimes if the girls a bit bat shit then there may be circumstances. But when the girl has done nothing to warrant the disrespect, I don’t care how, popular, hot, rich, famous, whatever the guy is, what he is doing is actually showing his disrespect for all women. Why on earth are you supporting that kind of behaviour?
Not so long ago I called a “popular” guy an egotistical self-centered wanker. And I kind of said it publicly. Probably not one of my finer moments but I was right about him and he had totally disrespected me, publicly too. The backlash I got, the bullying, the actual looks of disgust and literally sticking noses in the air at me was astonishing. Not to mention the attempted sabotage of something I was involved in businesswise, was absolutely laughable. It was also disgusting given that it came from females. They totally forgot about the chicks before dicks rule. And they weren’t even getting any of his dick. Although they probably wanted it.
9. Share Her Dreams
You may not understand why she wants to sell everything she owns, quit her job and travel the world or why she wants to write that crime fiction novel. But that doesn’t mean you can’t support her in pursuing her dreams. Do you even know what your friend’s dreams are? Have you ever asked them?
Just because she may want, even need, different things in life than you, it doesn’t make her wrong. It just makes her an individual. Celebrate her individuality by helping her get to where she wants to be. A lot of this goes back to point 7 and building her up but actually sharing your hopes and dreams with another person can also help get clarity and also starts to hold you accountable. So why not take the trouble to ask her what her dreams are? What is she working towards? What is it that makes her heart sing with desire and fires her passion for achieving more? You might actually learn something about your friend in the process and then ask how you can help.
10. It’s Not All About You
As I mentioned in number 5, there may be days when your life sucks and hers is great. There may be times when your life sucks and she doesn’t come running. You think she’s being self-centered and has ignored your passive aggressive and needy Facebook posts. Maybe she has (wise move). Or maybe she’s just got her own stuff going on and isn’t being public about it. She may well actually be busy and her own life is taking priority. It could be work, kids, partner related. It may be private and she wants to keep it that way.
Sometimes, you have no idea of what is going on in other people’s lives, even your nearest and dearest. Just because you are vocal about every aspect of your life it doesn’t mean to say that everything is about you and nobody else has stuff going on. It’s easy to get consumed in our own dramas but people will step away and not want to get involved. They have their own dramas. Or they’re just sick to death of yours. But don’t judge them. They have their reasons.
Or perhaps you broke a rule of the sisterhood and she’s now not playing your game or dancing to your tune. You see that’s why we have the rules. If you break them then don’t expect the sisters to be there for you. Remember, what comes around goes around. So treat your fellow sisters well. Lift them up, praise them, support them and celebrate them as much as you can.
These Rules Are Not For Breaking
I know you always get the smart ones that think rules are there to be broken but when it comes to sticking by the sisterhood, these rules are non-negotiable. Remember the sisterhood will always support you so long as you support it. Your girlfriends will be there for you no matter what. Well, at least they should be. Don’t be that girl that thinks she’s above it all and goes and hangs with the boys because she thinks it’s cool and will snag her a bae. It won’t.
So girls, please, celebrate each other, lift each other up, help each other out. And when that bad boy disrespects your friend, don’t give him a sly grin and be thankful he’s now single so you can have a go. Stay well away from him! Remember when I wrote about Is Sexting Cheating? Don’t be the other woman on the end of those texts.