If you start to celebrate Christmas way too early, it could be a sign that you’ve caught a dose of Premature Tinselation. How severe it is depends on how tinselled out you are.
1. October is For Halloween – Severity level HIGH!
I also find it annoying that shops are decorated for Christmas before Halloween! Like what happened to sticking with the theme? Come on retailers of the world, get your shit together and focus on just one theme at a time!
2. Thanksgiving what?!?! – Severity level FAKE NEWS
Thanksgiving is like fake Christmas. Stop letting the opportunity for a turkey dinner distract you from the main event. You eat your turkey dinner with your family at Christmas. It’s just the cheap imitation visitor that arrives too early with a slight dose of premature tinselation.
3. Bouncing Dogs, John Lewis and Adverts in X-Factor – Severity Level ANNOYING!
4. Decorations that collect dust – Severity level REALLY ANNOYING
5. The Post Isn’t That Slow! – Severity level MINOR INFECTION
The Royal Mail employ lots of extra people to work in December to deal with the huge influx of mail. Please post your card in an envelope in December to ensure these people continue to have jobs in December. Stop spreading your Premature Tinselation!
6. If Your Kids Are Hyper, It’s Your Fault! – Severity Level OFF THE SCALE!
7. My Radio Is Jingling in November – Severity Level APPROACHING DEATH CON!
8. The buying of the jumper can wait – Severity levels GET A LIFE!
Since when did shopping for the perfect Christmas jumper become essential Saturday afternoon shopping in November? And when did the shops start stocking them in November? Half the fun of buying a Christmas jumper to wear once is seeing what utter garbage you end up buying! Please, go back to panic buying. It’s way more fun.
9. That God Damn Elf – Severity Level YOU NEED TREATMENT FOR THAT DOSE
I get that it’s a cute little thing to do for the kids, but what’s with this planning what you’re going to do and having a list ready in November? At least leave me with that satisfaction of reading your Facebook posts late at night when you cry in desperation that you’ve got into bed, got yourself all comfy and then realised you’ve not done the damn elf. Or better still, make him a bad elf. Now that would entertain me.
10. Christmas Eve was invented for men. Fact! – Severity Level YOU’VE GOT A NASTY DOSE, SEEK HELP
Bah Feckin Humbug! You’ve Got Premature Tinselation!
Now please make sure that your tree is down and your home is decoration free by January 6th or I’ll be making a number 11 about those that extend Christmas way too far into January! and try not to get too drunk at the office Christmas party. Actually, no, please do get hammered, totally embarrass yourself and desperately seek a new job before you return to work in January. That’s my kind of Christmas party!