I have never in my life downloaded or registered on an online dating app. I’ve avoided it like the plague. I’ve always known full well that I’d attract some absolutely bat shit crazy axe murderer types. I mean, let’s face it, I have a terrible dating history. I really do attract the crazies! Plus I know what some of my friends are like and they’d find it highly amusing to go swiping every lunatic they could find using my phone. So yes, I’ve stayed well clear of the online dating thing. Until this week.
A friend asked for a favour. And it was genuinely a friend not a pretend asking for a friend thing. Her sister was highly suspicious that her hubby was using Tinder to cheat on her. So, they asked me if I’d set myself up on there briefly to see if I could find him. He doesn’t know me and has a thing for blondes, so chances are he’d swipe right. I’m a nice friend so I obliged. And boys before you get all judgemental, don’t think I’m the only one that does it. The FBI should only employee women because trust me when I say, if you’ve got a secret hidden online, a woman will always find it. Always.
Anyway back to swiping
I set the profile up, added a few photos and a couple of lines to make it look authentic. I even used some recent photos. I had my hair chopped last week and had a fresh out of the hairdresser’s selfie. You know the type. When you know you look great for all of 10 minutes.
The next problem I encountered was that with Tinder you can’t just search for someone, you have to go swiping. It’s like the human version of the Argos Catalogue. All cheap and usually out of stock. Is this what it’s like when blokes buy Thai brides online? Gross.
As much as I try to be open minded and not judge a book by its cover, let’s face it, when you have to swipe left or right based on a profile picture, you are being extremely judgemental. But after about 30 seconds I forgot what I was actually there for. Yep, don’t worry love I’ll keep an eye out for your fella, but right now I’m busy judging all these poor single blokes with god awful profile pictures as to whether I’d grace them with a hello.
Swiping is addictive. Or maybe that’s just me.
Oh hello, I know you! Swipe!
Then you encounter the next problem. I live in Chorley which is about the size of a postage stamp. So when you have your search radius only set to 5 miles guess what happens? Yep, you end up swiping people you know! It becomes a minefield because then you also realise that they may see you. Ah well, I’m here now I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. I swiped right on a couple of blokes I already know. I know that’s cringe and if you read my previous blog post when I said I should be more open to just asking a bloke out for coffee or something, I figure swiping right is the middle ground before I pluck up the courage to actually make a move. Or be rejected.
If you happen to be a bloke I know and I swiped right for you then I’ll make this dead easy for you. Chances are I know enough about you for it to be a done deal. You’ve possibly already given me fanny flutters and so long as we do dinner first then you’re probably on to a sure thing. And by dinner, I mean a KFC. I’m really not that fussy.
Again, I’m forgetting why I’m here. Swipe!
After it took me all of about 3 minutes to find the first bloke I knew on there I started to wonder what else, or who else Chorley had to offer. Slim fucking pickings! Actually, that’s a bit unfair. The majority just have really bad profiles or look like axe murderers! And there seems to be a common theme of the same mistakes many, and I really do mean many blokes make. So I made a list of them. Here goes:
It’s not that I don’t like kids. I can tolerate my own, just. At 43 my baby shoot is redundant. I swiped right on a bloke because his profile said he’d had the snip. Granted he looked quite a normal bloke as well which helped. But if you are of a certain age and know you don’t want any more kids, then say so. There are women out there, in and around their 40’s who are desperate for one last go before it’s too late. And unfortunately, things like that are a big deal. I, on the other hand, would prefer you to be infertile. The only thing ever coming out of my baby shoot is the occasional flaccid cock.
Likewise, I get that once you are over 30 chances are you probably have kids already. But is there any need to put in your profile that you love your kids and they are your world. That’s a given that you don’t need to tell me. I’m going to presume it. Save the 500 characters for telling me about you. I’d be more concerned if you said you hated your kids.
But if you use a photo of your kid in your profile then I’m swiping left immediately. Don’t do it. As a parent myself I’d kill my ex if he’d used a photo of our child to try and pull women. Fellas, if you want hassle from your ex then go ahead and use the kids’ photo. It’s a sure fire way of annoying the living shit out of her and I can guarantee you she won’t be happy about it. And if your kids had a choice I don’t think they would be either. Delete the kiddie photos. It’s not cool and you look a dick.
Just like kids I’ve noticed loads of blokes use dog photos as well. I wonder if half of them actually own these dogs. I doubt it. Your dog may be the cutest little pup I ever saw. But it doesn’t make you any less of a dick. Say that you have a dog by all means after all it could be a deal breaker for a woman that hates dogs. But 4 dog photos in your profile is overkill. And having just a photo of your dog tells me you’ve something to hide. Like a wife! Swipe left!
And whilst I remember, using other people’s dogs or kids in your photos is also an instant swipe left! I noticed loads of blokes having kids in their photos and then saying it’s their niece or something in the description. I’m like no, dude, you’re cancelled for that. Be off with you. Swipe left!
Honestly, what possesses you to use a photo of you looking happy in a couple with a woman, whilst on a dating app saying you’ve been single for 2 years and looking for Mrs right. Isn’t that just an almighty facepalm? And all these comments saying the woman in the photo is your sister/friend/cousin whatever. How about just not using the photo with the woman in full stop! And if your mother is in the photo, then you seriously need to reconsider your life choices. Swipe left!
And whilst we are talking about what goes in the comment, description box thing. Please stop putting that you’ve only met stalkers, bunny boilers, nutters, clingy women on there. It’s an automatic swipe left. Why? Because chances are they weren’t and you just behaved like a prick and labelled them that to cover up your own bad behaviour. And you’ll say that about the next one, and the next and the next. It’s disrespectful and if you talk like that you aren’t going to attract a woman to treat with respect who will treat you the same. Do you get my drift? Good. Go edit those nasty comments away.
How the fuck am I supposed to figure out which one you are? Like I totally appreciate that you’re using the photo that has your good looking mate in it, but what happens when I like the look of your good looking mate and then discover you’re the fella in the background who’s shit faced and peering down some young girls crop top? I can hardly swipe right to ask about your fit mate can I?!
You might also want to avoid having the likes of Wayne Rooney in the photo with you. He’s hardly an advert for monogamy is he?
Just Bad Photos
So we’ve looked at the other women photos, the kid photos and the fit mate photos, but some photos are just bad. Why would you use them on a profile to try and attract your future wife? Or even just your next shag? I’m looking at your photos sober but they are blurred. My eyesight isn’t that great. And let me tell you what’s a real turn off? The absolute shit tip in your house I can see behind you! Tidy up for god’s sake! And at least remember to remove the bedside framed photo of you and the wife! Swipe left!
Stop commenting about women using filters when lads, let me tell you, half the blokes on Tinder are also very familiar with the old Snapchat filters. You’re fooling no one. Especially the women who also use them that you are so keen to criticise! Get over it. Filters, good lighting, make-up, we all go there and yes, I really don’t look like that when I wake up in the morning. But neither do you!
Those naked torso photos do nobody any favours. You don’t see me posting those, do you? Well no I suppose I’m not that kinda girl. Keep the clothes on. Stop giving the goods away before I’ve even decided if you’ve got a pretty face or not. Give me something to think about. Tease by all means.
Oh, and if you’re claiming to be single, remember to remove your wedding ring before taking the photo. A dead giveaway that one. And brush your damn hair! At least look as though you haven’t just woken up and make a bit of an effort. Perhaps reconsider the drunk photos. Is that the best version of yourself that you want to use to showcase how great you are? Probably not. It really isn’t that difficult to get a nice, decent photo, even if you do have to ask your sister to help you with it. Just don’t ask your mum. Your mother being anywhere near your Tinder profile is a definite swipe left!
Before I forget. Black and white photos may look all arty but how can I tell if you meet my brief of tall, dark and handsome with some facial hair if you’re thinking you’re cool with your arty, farty black and white shot. And yes that is my type and I’m sorry if that’s being type specific but it’s just a thing I like and I totally get that Mr tall, dark and handsome can also be a dick, but let’s narrow down the playing field.
Irrelevant Details. Swipe Left!
Why do I need to know you’ve got your own house? At your age, I’d expect you to and whether you own it or not isn’t really my business right now. In fairness, unless you struck lucky in the housing market years ago, chances are the bank owns most of your house still and you’re only a few missed mortgage payments away from losing it. Who cares if you rent it. It’s still a roof over your head. And in all honesty, if a woman is attracted to you because you have a big mortgage then I’m sorry, but you might want to hide the deeds to it. But I can also understand how people can end up back at their parents for all sorts of reasons either following a breakup or a situation dictates you need to be there.
It goes along with the lines about how many kids you have, how long you’ve been single, how many previous owners you have and that you don’t want a smoker. Essentially these are all details I don’t need to know right now. So say you have kids fair enough, but I don’t need the full details, especially their names and dates of birth! If a smoker is an absolute deal breaker ok fair enough. But is it really a deal breaker? I used to smoke so that would automatically rule me out if I still smoked. But I gave up so does that mean I’m ok again now? I could easily go back on the fags tomorrow.
As an ex-smoker, as much as it bugs me, it certainly wouldn’t be a deal breaker. A person’s bad habits are just part of them and they might give up or be polite about not smoking around you. You get my drift. I swiped right on someone I know smokes and quite frankly if they swiped right back I wouldn’t give a shit about them smoking because I happen to think they are a nice guy and go back to my previous comments about how I’d never had the balls to ask them on a date. I just wouldn’t let them smoke inside my house.
Funnily enough, I notice that a lot of blokes state their height. Refer to my previous comments about tall, dark and handsome. You don’t need to be a 7-foot giant, but when I put big heels on I can reach the dizzy heights of 5ft10 and I just feel uncomfortable looking down. Sorry short guys but I like wearing my heels even though I’m a short arse out of them myself.
Messages – User beware!
So far I’ve not ventured much into the messages, probably because I haven’t swiped right that much. Actually, I’ve swiped right on 3 blokes I already know and another 4 that I thought looked relatively normal. There was another and he clocked me straight away and realised he knew me from Twitter. Chances are if he’s read my Twitter feed he may well have already been suitably put off. Whoops.
One guy messaged me and got my name wrong straight off. It’s a really simple thing to get right, especially on the first message. Bad start mate. Another messaged but he was a bit sauceless. And another seemed a nice guy so we shall see where that goes. I’ll keep you posted. The bloke with the snip hasn’t messaged yet.
I’ve talked about this on my various blogs and on other platforms a lot, but can we just talk about dick pics. No woman ever decided she wanted to settle down and marry the random bloke who sent her an unsolicited dick pic. Ever! I get sent loads via social media. I’m that used to it now it doesn’t even offend me anymore. I just ignore it. One bloke dropped one into my Twitter mentions the other week! My mentions! Not even a DM!!!! I don’t check my Snapchat anymore because I know there are loads of them there. So let me make this clear. A dick pic will get you blocked. I don’t want to see it. Let’s face it, a soft cock isn’t the prettiest thing to look at. It’s like a limp sock puppet that springs to life, spits and dies again. I don’t even want to see your hard dick. If I wanted to see if chances are you’d be laid next to me and I’d be doing more than just looking at it.
So guys, take my advice, don’t ever send a dick pic. And don’t ask for nudes. Like honestly. Don’t do it. The types of girls that like that shit are the types you’ll have to pay to play. Swipe left!
Rest assured my Tinder days will be numbered. I’ll be terrified by the end of the week and have deleted it. I was right in my original assumption that it just isn’t for me and I need to stay well clear. Now obviously if one of the blokes I mentioned before turns up at my door with a KFC then I’ll think it’s the best creation ever. But I’ll still be deleting it. From what I’ve seen so far, I’ll be swiping left and quite happy to carry on being happily single, despite the hundreds of likes I’ve amassed in just two days.
Oh, and for those wondering, we’ve not found the stray husband on there yet.
And for the record, in case you’re reading this – mines a Big Daddy meal with hot wings. Thanks xx